reflections 22062024

Flowers

I bought flowers for another today;

Tonight I will bring them home

And let them wilt and rot in the corner of my bedroom

And observe the colour and hues as they fade from white to yellow and then to brown

I think maybe I lack an awareness on something for what it takes to love another.

I'm a parrot trained off of an echo of what a partner should be

I keep searching for what exactly I'm missing

I'm blindly feeling around a dark room

for the jigsaw piece that everyone else seems to have

I feel like an alien in my own body

like there are things that i should want and should feel but i don't feel them or want them

Like im living a life where I'm keeping up appearances just to prove to myself that I'm living properly

I know I want kids one day

But I'm 23 now and still feel completely arrested

by the building state of that quiet numbing loneliness

I'm a husk while everyone else has ripened

A gray blurry dot in the background of a vibrant painting

I search for something that I know nothing about

A futile expedition

Intimacy versus Sex;

If I blind myself to the conventions of social behaviours

And indulge in the bindings of skin and the tastes of flesh

Will that bring me comfort

Or just more of nothing at all

It is much easier to establish myself as a sexual object

than the object of another's affection

faceless lust versus uncertain endeavour

finding the comfort in the rot more welcoming

than the sobering alienation of vulnerability

sounds